Someone commented yesterday about looking at journals from the past and I was reminded of the journals I wrote during my late teens and into my 20’s. Back in the 80’s keeping a diary was popular, and trying to find someone’s diary to secretly read, was even more popular. I never wanted a diary as I didn’t know what to write. Years later when I did know, it turned out I was frightened of writing my thoughts down. What would happen if people knew what was going on in my mind? Fear of being found out, judgement, criticism, reprisal. Where had this fear come from? Abusers telling me what would happen if I ever told anyone.
What was it that drove to me break that silence, by writing? I thought I was going crazy. There was no one I trusted to talk to. I had begun talking to myself and was frightened by what I was hearing. I wanted to get it all out of my head and so, one day, I began to write.
I wrote furiously, it couldn’t come out quickly enough. After a few months I looked at what I had written and the fear grew. I’m learning when and why I stopped listening to my Self.
In my 20’s I began writing again and as before, it was out of the need to get thoughts out of my head. This time I was mature enough to look at what I was writing and was able to develop an understanding of what was happening.
Recently I began reading these journals again. Oh my, they are boring! They do highlight how my programming was expressing as I grew up though. The one journal that is very revealing of a past that I am yearning to learn about, I had torn pages out of, for some reason I cannot recall. I had written things that I cannot remember and I long to understand why.
Over the years I’ve had people say I spend too much time in the past, yet others say stop living in the future, then others say focus on the present.
Three broad aspects of time and many opinions. One of my mentors recently wrote; “No one can look forward without seeing where they have been.” This sentence struck me as so beautiful that I wrote it down. Over the days I’ve read it again and have seen various layers, each according to how I was feeling emotionally at the time.
What are your thoughts about looking into the past?
What about looking into the future?
Is there value in journal writing?
Do you listen to your Self?
What does this sentence mean to you? “No one can look forward without seeing where they have been.”
Back in Melbourne and no sooner was I walking out of the airport that my phone was pinging. Full speed ahead with business. All I’d had all morning was my supplements before I left Sydney and hot lemon water on the plane. I was looking forward to relaxing with a coffee, knowing Dad would be out. I should have listened to OverSoul because I was feeling stressed and agitated while having coffee. It hadn’t helped that I’d arrived home feeling deep anger.
In the beginning stages of selling a property I’m selling off things I no longer need. I had begun my career as a high school teacher, also making jewellery. I loved working with silver, no surprise when 8 is my number. I had a fully equipped studio and I advertised it at an excellent price to sell. I wanted it gone. I’d closed the door on that part of my life about 10yrs ago and no longer need to carry that baggage around.
No matter what price you put on something, it seems people will want to negotiate. One tried to get me to separate items. No. Another wanted to come up and see it and make an offer. No. The person who really wanted it was prepared to get in a tiny car right that minute and drive over 5hrs to collect it! Sold!
It meant having to talk to the tenant, who happens to be co-owner. After I finally got hold of him, I felt so bothered I wasn’t enjoying my coffee. Yes, I should have listened to myself. That’s something I’ve been learning lately!
I’ve also set a price on our property that I KNOW we will get. The co-owner has low self worth and argues with me. Really?! Just step back and let me sort this out!
I’m aware my Self worth has risen as 12mths ago I finally achieved priority boarding status with the airline I fly with and I had felt embarrassed joining that queue. This latest trip I flew business, which turned out to be 1st class on the return trip. Did I have any embarrassment? Heck no! I deserve to be there! I AM worthy 🙂
Feeling angry, bothered and stressed I went and lay down with an oil. I haven’t done this for a while, but I’m about to begin working on a series of educational emotionoil videos and decided to re-familiarise myself with one.
Ohhh.. Geranium is the current oil for me 🙂 She released my diaphragm. Fear had been locked in there and this simple release had an extensive ‘knock on’ effect. More will be in my video, though they won’t be posted for a month or so yet. Releasing my diaphragm enabled the anger and frustration to dissipate and I know how to send feelings up.
Is it easy to put a price on the past?
How do you know when the ‘right’ buyer has shown up?
Can you look back 12mths and seen how you’ve changed?
Is it important to look back?
I found out today that all the tattooed people were about to attend the tattoo expo that was on not far from where we were. I guess they can hold expos for anything these days!
My isolation in a crowd came to an end this morning after I decided to reach out and get some feedback from the worlds greatest mentors. A gentle shove, better than a kick up the backside, was all I needed and within 10mins I went from isolation to easily sociable. It wasn’t really that quick, it had begun the night before with memories rising. In the distant past I had pleaded with abusers to leave me alone, they never listened to me. Decades later this manifested to being left alone in a crowd. The aha came within a short time this morning as I was walking out the door for the last day of Convention.
Well.. I could talk at length about the information I received over the last 2 days. doTERRA are on a mission to change the world, and they’re doing so. They’re on the ground assisting Haiti after the hurricane went through. They had a well dug and were there when the tap was turned and fresh, clean water came out.
In Kenya, the women walk miles, subject to crocodiles and rape to get a bucket of dirty water. A young child lost her arm to a crocodile. doTERRA put in facilities for fresh water. Once again, a tap is turned, but this time, no dirty water, crocodiles or rape.
It doesn’t end there.. as I said I could talk at length.
I spent lunch with some friends from the country town I used to live in. I went searching for them physically. It turned out to be a therapeutic lunch for all of us.
I was thinking I’d be on my own again for dinner and was comfortable with that. Next thing I knew 7 women from QLD, one from northern NSW, were sitting next to me. I looked at them and said “well, hello..” and that was all it took. Group photos of happy, gorgeous women were taken.
What are some of the strangest Expo’s you’ve encountered?
Have you ever felt alone in a crowd?
We’ve been talking about water on Janet’s blog, and then I hear 2 stories about water today! What does clean water mean to you?
What has happened to fashion?
I’m interstate and observing some very interesting things. Plastic wrapped around a single part of the body, lower leg, knee, upper arm. What’s that about?
Tattoos all over the body right up to the jaw. Their heads look disembodied, though they do seem like ok people. Looks can be deceiving.
Gala night was very interesting. I chose not to attend this year, but happened to be eating dinner outdoors when a parade of beautifully dressed women, the occasional man, walked by. Everyone was with someone. Safety in numbers.
I saw women in lovely dresses then had flip flops on their feet. Or flowing evening gowns with sneakers. Women wearing heels so high they can’t walk properly. Men in suits with colour matching sneakers. Women wearing torn denim shorts or skirt. To a Gala night?!
Last year there was a dress code and if you didn’t comply you were refused entrance. What’s happened in 12mths?
Few people are on their own. I’ve been eating meals alone and have felt comfortable doing so. I’m observing what’s going on here, what’s around me. I’m only interstate. It would be easy to think I was a different country.
What do you think about people who go out on their own?
What images does Gala Night clothing conjure for you?
Has fashion changed in 12mths?
About a decade ago I discovered that I liked doing housework until my then partner would come home, I would be in an instant grumpy mood. What changed when he walked in the door? It took a year or so, but one day I was vacuuming and in he walked, I was instantly grouchy and he looked around and commented what a great job I was doing. He was surprised by the look on my face and thereafter I enjoyed housework without the grouchiness.
He hadn’t planned his words, but had seen the room I’d just been in in a different light and appreciated what he saw. More importantly, he voiced his appreciation. I hadn’t realised until that moment that I had wanted acknowledgement, but the simple expression of gratitude made a tremendous difference.
When I moved back home not only was it expected that I would do all the housework, but the way I was spoken to really upset me. One day, Dad and I had it out and some nasty, hurtful things were said. I was shocked. My instinct was to escape and I tried. Oversoul had other plans for me and after an hour talking to another family member, I chose to let go of my pride and stay.
It was one of the most challenging things I’ve done and I grew from it. As time went on, it mattered less the way he spoke to me, I simply went about my business. What happened over the months was he gradually began to change the way he spoke to me. One day I received a thank you and I was surprised. Did it make a difference? Not really, and that surprised me too.
It’s been over a year now since I moved back and approximately a year since Mum went into a home. Today, Dad and I worked together, it was all for him, assisting with things he’s not capable of doing himself and it went rather well. Imagine my surprise when not only did he thank me, but he complimented the way I organised things, plus he later told me how grateful he was for my assistance. Wow!
Did I need to hear any of this? No, but it was nice to hear.
What are your thoughts about housework?
Is gratitude or appreciation necessary?
What do you think would happen if everyone expressed gratitude?
What do you think would happen if no one expressed gratitude?
Is it challenging to say thank you?
Should thanks be given for everything?
What about people who apologise for everything?
When we meet a new potential partner we often experience an overwhelming inner excitement that’s warm, joyful and overflowing. This is what people refer to as love and it waxes and wanes.
What happens when we meet someone we like is we see all of their positive attributes and that draws us in closer. After time we begin to see attributes that we don’t like and classify those as negative. The more we get to know them the more negatives we often see.
The positives that drew you in the first place are those things that you like about yourSelf. That’s why we get along with other people, because we find we have things in common and that makes us want to spend more time with them.
As you know, no one is consistent with their emotions and we exhibit a range of personality traits even over the course of one day. Once you start encountering those attributes within another that you don’t like, that’s because they’re the aspects within you that you don’t like. Honestly, do you truly like everything about yourself? Those things that we don’t like are often suppressed, but just look around and you’ll see them being reflected back at you.
When I first moved back with my parents my world was turned upside down. I’d never encountered such fear and that’s just the start of it. It’s now Dad and I and neither of us find it easy to live with the other. Things are becoming smoother and I can honestly say that’s a result of all the digging I do within. Dad is aware that he’s had to compromise and change and he likes to tell me how much he loathes change and I’m the reason he’s had to. This doesn’t bother me as it hasn’t been easy for me either.
He is very self centred and doesn’t consider anyone else’s feelings. I notice this, but it no longer bothers me as much. I find him a rather remarkable, frightened man who is capable of much more than he wants to admit to.
One thing that I’ve had to adjust to is the lack of love and affection from the ‘man in my life’, in this case, parental love and affection. Dad doesn’t like affection and frankly, to be hugged by him is just awkward and uncomfortable.
So, I was pondering all of this today and I pushed up to OverSoul, silver, into GodMind, gold and I asked to feel what love is. Wow.. it came pouring down to fill me up. Very different to feeling love for another, this is love within for Self and feels more balanced and whole.
Give it a go and tell me what you feel!