Today I was reading about someone else’s life experiences and I was instantly transported back to a similar time in my life.
I was in my early 20’s, still living at home, trying to comes to terms with living with my abusers and not understanding why I didn’t leave. My best friend, at that time, was a male and he told me over the phone one evening how proud he would be of me if I confronted my main abuser.
This was a challenge and it triggered a response in me. I AM courageous! I can do it! In hindsight I had been lured by the promising attention of someone being proud of me. I could not recall anyone saying those words to me and I thought I wanted to hear them very much.
I put myself under pressure of doing this confrontation before our next phone chat. In the meantime I had a session with my psychiatrist and he advised me against such an action. I didn’t listen to him, I wanted the attention of someone being proud of me.
The days were moving by and I was terrified. Frightened of the confrontation and frightened of my friend ringing and not being able to tell him that I’d done it. Home alone with this person, one morning, I confronted him. We were standing in the kitchen with a table between us and I looked him in the eyes and told him I remembered everything he had ever done to me. He just looked at me with a flat, blank stare. This was not going as I had envisaged and I didn’t know what to do. I began to shake. So I repeated what I’d said. He just maintained that flat, blank stare and shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
In hindsight, I should have listened to my psychiatrist. When I finally spoke to my best friend and told him the ‘good news’, he just wanted to talk about his own family issues.
What had I hoped would happen? I had wanted open conversation. I’ve wanted that all my life. I’ve wanted to understand why, to talk without judgement, to reveal my true Self and to have that reciprocated.
I could see I thought I was in control. I wasn’t. I had an agenda. It didn’t work out. I’d had no idea what I was doing. That’s obvious.
I had the awareness back then to chalk it up to experience.
I now understand why I didn’t leave home back then. Now I’m back with the knowledge and experience to resolve what was begun all those years ago.
So.. this is what came up for me from simply reading another’s post. I wanted to reply to, but wasn’t sure if my response was clouded from past experience. So I reached out and picked up the phone instead.
Have you ever had past experiences surface from reading or hearing about another’s life?
Have you ever been aware of responding to another through the cloud of your own past experiences?
Have you ever confronted someone?
Did you have an agenda?
How did it go?
Do you avoid confrontation?
How do you respond when people confront you?